So Many Groceries, So Little Time

Having a dog whose food obsessed is not unusual. Having a dog like Kaijin where food is the only obsession, well…it’s a little different. From day one, Kaijin’s quest to find and consume food has been non stop. What makes it a bit unusual is the volume of drool that accompanies EVERY little thing that might, now ,or in the past, or could be in the future, involve food, and “gusher face” starts leaking. Pavlov told us all about the science behind this but he had no idea about creatures such as Kaijin. (I like to pretend that Kaijin is not an anomaly, there cannot be only one!) Chow time…drool, treats…drool, training…drool, bandage change…drool, and my favorite, someone opening a package of anything (lunch meat, tuna, garbage bags)…drool. The princess can’t stand it, so naturally I help with that. Rattle a bag of chips or open the meat drawer in the fridge and flash! Out comes the swiffer. It’s like magic but you can predict it.

To be sure, to be Swiffing after a drool event is risking serious bodily injury or death. If not mopped up, the slicks quickly become a water event like at your favorite amusement park. Tile surfing, water ballet, or even sock skiing are destined to become Olympic events with drool as the precursor. Of course, it often comes with cussing so it’s not really a family event. But Kaijin will drool off anything because he will eat everything. We’ve been fortunate that it’s been only food and hopefully this doesn’t jinx that.

We get the puddle over ice cream, steak, cheese, bananas, waffles, even carrots. But the floods of biblical proportions are for, of all things, “Greenies.” Greenies are supposed to be a snack treat for dogs to help keep their teeth clean. That last part is suspect as our other Akita recently had a tooth removed despite preventive “Greenie” dentistry.

But these things are not like giving your dog a piece of jerky or a slice of ham, Greenies are more like… crack for dogs. Normally well mannered, the word “Greenie” will make Kaijin stop whatever he’s doing (sleeping, reading, playing video games) and rocket to the kitchen where the crack is kept. DO NOT be in the way as Skoshi has learned more than twice by being body slammed into the nearest wall after moving too slowly, . Once at the piece of real-estate where the Greenies are dispensed, the water works are initiated. Hand over the booty quickly and everyone gets out alive. Wait too long, or accidentally get involved in doing something else, “Lake Drool” forms and expands by the second. Should you be silly enough to engage is some teasery: “Kaijin, do you want a Greenie?,” the liquefied answer is delivered within nanoseconds as new and improved drool spigots emerge from his immense jowls and eject drool-age in all directions. Should you be holding such green-age where boy genius can see it and ask your silly questions, the floods are even greater.

I’ve learned to avoid such shenanigans when giving the dog his drug of choice for many reasons not the least of which is if you mess around too long, Kaijin will then shake his head, which is like a 360 degree sprinkler held on its side while spewing out gallons of semi-liquid goo. Now, not only is the area evenly coated with this toxic waste, Kaijin has at least a half gallon of it wrapped around his head. Sure, you can stop and clean that up while he aggressively sniffs around for the Greenie you claimed you had (which includes inserting his slobber covered head between your legs and all over whatever you’re wearing), or you can cut your losses and just hand him his prize for “Most Disgusting Beast of the Moment” and call it good.

While Kaijin doesn’t eat things that aren’t his, he also doesn’t clean up after himself either. So, yes, you going to re-wash all the dishes, the walls, the ceiling, and the cabinets before you go to bed. Kaijin bets you $50 you won’t play that silly game again.